Hitting The Broad Side Of A Barn!
By God - I’m this close! *Visualize two fingers separated by the thickness of a ‘RCH’*
Yea verily! I have met the enemy and he is a dirtbag! I faced him on the open battlefield - checkbook and promises of a no-hassle closing wielded with a will! I need a bath and a fresh set of scruples. You wouldn’t believe the lengths I went to to get some leverage on the buyer. A lesser man would be ashamed. I - on the other hand - am simply … grim.
Things are tense! Seems the guy who holds title to the land that - by rights and tradition - should be mine anyway has gone and entertained the offer of a lesser personage. A mere homeowner (!), of no family or repute, that (sniff) has a mortgage. Harrumph!
Well, there’s more than one way to skin a goose until the cream floats to the top. I proceeded to pound the table, tear my bald spot, and ‘Waaaa!’ unmercifully until - finally - I gave in and upped my offer to a number very close to what he was asking - the swine. I am definitely gonna fart in his general direction when this is over.
Problem is, the seller does not have to accept my offer, and, if accepted, the other (sniff) buyer has three days to meet or beat my offer, or step away gracefully. The other (sniff) buyer needs to sell their home first, so I’m good there. Question is: is my offer high enough? Will the seller opt for a quick no-hassle close - with a dab of sub rosa payola slipped in? I also promised him I would keep Fred the Horse Fondler away from his hogs if he would decide quickly.
It gets harder and harder to browbeat folks into submission every day!
Meanwhile, at ScienceDaily - where the journalists constantly ask themselves, “Huh?” - there is a new article about something or the other. Here’s the photo:
Oh, yeah! Now I remember. Seems that blobs of interstellar gas - which are normally blob-shaped - get squished around and flattened as they pass near black holes. The fierce gravitational forces of the black hole squish the gas into a pancake shape and then roll it into a cigar shape, before finally powdering it with cornflakes and sending it on its way with a playful swat on the ass.
Ah! And Pravda - a word synonymous with Merde! - has a lovely photo essay on jewelry. Check this out:
Check it out! Its blue! It’s shiny! And there’s more here.
And now - the piece of resistance - or however you say that Fwench phrase. Ze smut, mssr.
May 9, 2008 at 12:47 am
So that interstellar gas goes through essentially a gravity assist and then gets gravity-extruded like being pulled ass-first through a knothole backwards, right?
No, sorry, I didn’t read the article because it is damn near 2AM and I’m on the same intellectual level as a blonde afghan hound. That’s a step above a boston fern, but not by much.
By the way, did I or did I not offer the suggestion when you left to “run roughshod” over this… this… *creature* you’ve been dealing with? You didn’t seem very “alpha-male” there, McGoo. Damnit, man, you eat Goths for breakfast and all but roll over for this guy?
May 9, 2008 at 2:47 am
He has me by the short-n-curlies. My real estate agent let me down! She was supposed to warn me if another offer was tendered by anyone else. She didn’t.
When I was down there I talked with several relatives and ‘friends-of-friends’ to try to find some influence over the seller. No go. All I found out was that they were not “hurting” so they didn’t particularly need a fast closing.
We shall see what we see….
May 9, 2008 at 7:54 am
I think a gang of rough men a-la “Roadhouse” terrorizing their peaceful community to the point that they sell to avoid the roughshod ruffians accosting them on a daily basis would work out great in this scenario. You would have to look out for potential Patrick Swayze-s though; they tend to habitually foil plans of this nature.
-Or not. Just a suggestion.
May 9, 2008 at 8:13 am
Yeah, if I could arrange a small calvary of horsemen to ride into town (a-whoopin’ and a-wailin’ ) to beat everyone within an inch of their lives, I bet he’d sell in a split instant. Brigandage is a lost craft nowadays. Pity. Someday we may need these ancient skills again!
All is not lost quite yet. Right now the seller is at the mercy of the market as the buyer needs to sell their own house first. In this market, time is on my side. I can continue to bump up my offer until I tempt the seller away from the present contingent contract. But that doesn’t fit with my philosophy of ‘Get It For The Lowest Price”.
But ‘Not Getting It At All’ doesn’t fit either.
May 9, 2008 at 9:27 am
“Get It For The Lowest Price” implies you’re going to buy a chinese home through Wal-Mart.
Brigandage will never be lost. Ever see a gaggle of 5 year old girls at a birthday party? (brrrrr, shiver)
May 9, 2008 at 11:48 am
What about a localized infestation of some sort? The hardest part would be finding the animal wrangler, but it can be managed. There also might be some difficulty in actually figuring out what creature would be the most intimidating but the least destructive, but after seeing your creativity in action I don’t think this will be a difficulty either.
Think of the possibilities…
“What the hell? This place is infested with sloths!!! How can I buy it at full price?!?!?”
Just trying to help, McGoo.
May 9, 2008 at 11:50 am
Not to pick nits, but The “home” is irrelevant. It’s a piece of shit I’m gonna have to drop $40-50K into to make decent.
But the 40 acres - thats worth pretty much every cent they’re asking. I just want it cheaper!
May 9, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I like the look of the house. It looks - what’s the word? - quaint. Screen door, wooden, white, porch. What more could you want Mr. Lah-dee-dah?
Those French astrophysicists evidently have never seen a cigar. Or if they have, it was in a Tex Avery cartoon or something.
Uh, actually, f and h look sort of cigar-ish, I suppose. But I’m still sending a ‘Fuck you all’ letter (again) to Observatoire de Paris. Don’t try and stop me.
May 9, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Wouldn’t dream of it, Gibby, wouldn’t dream of it. As long as you keep us posted if you get a reply.
May 9, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Sorry I sounded snooty unintentionally, Gibby. The house is kinda POS-like, though.
The roof has two layers (possibly three) of shingles on it - all rotten. The Masonite siding covers more Masonite, all in an advanced state of nasty, the gutters (that exist, that is) are filled with not-water, heating is via two ventless gas heaters, and the A/C is via a single wall unit for a 1140 sq ft interior. Oh - and the electrical was installed by Edison or his son.
The floors are all warped, the kitchen countertops/cabinets/cupboards are older than I am and look it, and the foundation is of questionable stability. The condition of the septic tank and well/pump are unknown but assumed to be worthless.
In short, its about $40-50 Large in investment and a year or so of my time to rectify.
It’ll be interesting!
May 9, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Old Iron - it took a while to soak in to my brain, but … infestation?
Infestation.
Yes. That’s sufficiently diabolical to please my intellectual brain cell, if its still active.
Tapeworms?
Bot flies (*shiver!*).
Democrats! Naaa - they leave such a mess, and I’ll never get rid of ‘em.
May 10, 2008 at 5:30 am
luck, mcgoo. pardon lack of capitals…cat passed out on left arm. no, the other one. now that he’s gonr she remembers she loves me.
if they have to sell a house and get another mortgage, that’s months. trust me.
May 10, 2008 at 5:41 am
Cats passed out on an arm are justification for a very, very great deal. If it’s a very young kitten they say in some civilized cultures a person can literally get away with murder.
Keep telling me that it’ll be months for the other (sniff) buyer, Weaz!
Haven’t heard from the seller or agent since I called Thursday. I’m hoping that that means the seller told the (sniff) buyer he’s got three days to agree to buy now, or it goes to McGoo.
I really fell in love with the property when I walked it last week and crossed the creek over to the next field/glade/clearing (which will be my target range!). Even my cynical uncle was wetting himself seeing all the game tracks and trails.
May 10, 2008 at 9:36 am
Hunting.
Mmmmm. Hunting means tasty tasty venison.
May 10, 2008 at 10:51 am
Yep. And tasty, tasty wild turkey.
May 10, 2008 at 4:22 pm
The waiting truly does suck McGoo.
I’m waiting for an interview myself. There is a bakery opening up this coming week and they have signs all over their old place that they are hiring. So I persuaded the daughter to apply, then I applied, thinking I could keep an eye on her since she isn’t 16 yet (work permit)…time she started saving for college. Even after talking to the owner, who is running all over the place getting things ready for opening day, I have heard nothing. Bahhh..
Can’t handle another summer with the kid whining she is bored. Very few places will give almost 16 year olds the time of day.
May 10, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Man, I hope she - and you - get a job there. It might be a bit of a pre-adult bonding experience for you and the daughter.
PnB - I tend to be a fairly positive person - sometimes to a fault. I tend to look on the bright side of things, so I am viewing the ‘no reply’ situation with the seller and agent as a good thing. They wouldn’t let me sit for days before telling me “no cigar”, and it doesn’t take that long to decide.
I think they’re giving the other (sniff) buyer the contractual 72 hours to come up with a way to meet/beat my offer to the seller. Usually it doesn’t happen. Cash rulz over contingent-sell scenarios every time.
May 10, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you Goo. I hope you hear something sooner than later. Nothing like the smell of cash to push things your way. Though don’t snort it, I hear most bills are contaminated with the funny stuff.
Oh, we are already bonded….my daughter is a momma’s girl. And as long as she shows some initiative or ambition for later self-reliance, I’m all for doing what I can to help her out. She’s a good kid.
I’m trying to stay positive about the bakery. Owner was supposed to call back and arrange something yesterday but I’m thinking with the move and then opening on one of the busiest days (Mothers Day) of bakeryville, she got too sidetracked. The big reason why I want at least the kid to get a job there is because 1. they hire kids with work permits 2. it is VERY close to our house - she could walk 3. it smells great and 4. she really wants to earn some money this summer. If I could get on there, I will finagle my way to some cake decorating.
I will phone stalk the owner one more time this coming week. I’d like things settled before summer to coordinate for when the son finds something.
May 10, 2008 at 7:53 pm
PnB - I hope the best for you.
Something I noticed about your post: You’re ACTING, not “wishing”. You are taking positive steps in an orderly fashion to achieve your (well considered) goals.
I don’t mean to be presumptuous or snotty - I point it out because I don’t see it in others as often as I would prefer.
Oh, I have my hopes up, not just because I really want this property - more than any other one I’ve seen. For me, it’s perfect.
But I’m prepared for the worst. The way I figure it, it’s their loss they didn’t do business with me. As Mary Poppins (Dick van Dyke,actually) said,
“…good luck will rub off
when I shakes hands with you!”
(And blow me a kiss - ’cause that’s lucky too!)
May 10, 2008 at 9:13 pm
You are not snotty at all. Taking action is the key for whatever your heart’s desire…….the difference between a conservative and a libtard. Thus the frustration between the people and the politards.
The way I figure it, it’s their loss they didn’t do business with me.
Heh. I thought the same thing.
Hey, get ready, here’s some luck….*smooooch*
I would offer to moon in your general direction, but the impact of such beauty might send your sugar too high…..eh, what the hell ( Y )
May 11, 2008 at 2:08 am
How can I possible lose now! Thanks!