So I was coming back from Southern Missouri this morning - tired from the Fambly Re-Onion and soon-to-be-my-property informal inspection - and I noticed the Starbucks they built last year near where I live in St. Charles. It was doing a hugely unimpressive business then - it being about 9AM on Sunday morning - a time when no one drinks coffee, apparently. There were approximately no cars in the lot or drive-thru.
I read that Starbucks was closing about 600 of the places (Yay! Fuck ‘em!) and and decided that I should go into this local one and give them some shit. It was only fair, I figured. I don’t patronize Starbucks, and I thought I’d give them the benefit of my August Presence - even though it is July - before they folded up their tent and faded into the mists of yesterday. Or whatever.
But I had to go home first and prepare.
Summer cane: check.
Texas Teeth: check.
Whoopee: nope. The poor fella has to stay behind during warm weather - nowhere to hide it. I gave it a fond little squeeze (*ppbbbbt*) and put it away, wiping away a stray memory tear.
Baggy short pants with teltale “wet” stain on the front: check.
Led Zeppelin T-shirt with rip and underarm rings: check.
Troy-Bilt Tractor cap: check.
Wallet: check.
Removing ten Ones and a Fiver from my wallet, I quickly soaked them in warm water in the kitchen sink, waiting impatiently for them to soak thoroughly. Squeezing them out, I then stuck them into a small zip-lock baggy and drove over to my target.
I had not bathed that morning. I was ready.
T O B E C O N T I N U E D
Here, however, is some porn. And here is some Daily Whatever from those Last Of The Few Folks.
July 7, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Baggy short pants with teltale “wet” stain on the front: check.
Led Zeppelin T-shirt with rip and underarm rings: check.
Troy-Bilt Tractor cap: check.
Hmmmm…..*eyeballs McGoo through narrowed eyeball lids*
July 7, 2008 at 3:15 pm
My God, you are pure evil, McGoo.
Which is why I enjoy reading your exploits. You might also try soaking the bills in a little bit of canola oil for that extra fear factor.
July 7, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Actually, the secret ingredient in the dollar marinade is … ammonia. Further info I refuse to give.
..And, yes, I am pure evil. Remind me someday to tell you about the formal dinner I went to two weeks ago, and the unfortunate incident that befell an asshole’s shoes and dinner jacket. My cousin is still talking about it, damn her.
It’s taken me months to figure out what I can do to fuck with folks instead of goth-baiting. I have found it. And…I can do it in the country.
But I still miss the deep, dark, wee-hour night….
July 7, 2008 at 4:23 pm
When I worked retail or food service, it really grossed me out to be handed damp monies. Nice. Dampness made from someone’s ass, in my hands. Then I would get visuals of Fat Bastards crack. The urge to run to a sink was overwhelming.
July 7, 2008 at 7:42 pm
PnB - precisely the effect I set up to evoke, except with a faint ammonia smell, which hints a further unpleasantness.
I’ve always hated receiving warm money from guys’ wallets.
July 7, 2008 at 8:15 pm
McGoo, speaking of screwing with people…
A site I read for the dark side of things.
http://notdirtywriter.net/?p=537
It’s different to say the least.
July 7, 2008 at 8:45 pm
McGoo, you put more effort into preparing for mischief than I put into my job.
Of course, your mischief is worth the effort and my job isn’t.
July 7, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Whoa, Allen. That’s a strange site.
But in the past I have actually considered fucking with drug dealers for precisely the arguments given - but especially because the cops won’t investigate it too closely.
The negatives are that I suspect it would take a level of agility that I can’t depend upon anymore. I ain’t a cripple, but my various pieces of apparatus (arms, legs, joints, etc) don’t work as well as 30 years ago.
I was thinking long-range sniping….or bombs.
But then I thought - they do not play games. I really can’t see getting offed by a dealer because of a snarky prank.
July 7, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Why thank you, kishnevi! My mischief is fun. The hard part is resisting temptation. It is soooo easy to get caught.
but I’m still looking for that one-shot, once-in-a-lifetime, world-class, perfect prank. I am getting inklings that it just might be feasible…
July 7, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Yeah, his site takes “curmudgeon” to a whole new level. My favorite trick I played. There are some militia types around here, they have a compound.
So they’re transmitting one night on whatever radio system they were using and they were just stepping all over other frequencies. I was running some RF experiments and it pissed me off. So, I found what main freq they were on…
One serial digital TX, one microprocesser to loop the signal, one circ board, and a battery.
Deposit said system near compound to turn on when thy’re “on.” Digital static is not random, thus visions of black helicopters was in their air.
Lights, Shouts, Muy Action.
Drinks were served on the observation deck.
July 8, 2008 at 6:37 am
Allen! You, Sir, are a kindred spirit! I did that very same thing - sans uP - decades ago to an obnoxious CB’er in the neighborhood who’d strapped an illegal 27MHz. Linear Amp onto his 40-channel CB rig. The swine!
Put the thing up in a tree next to his house. The moron never did find it, even though I climbed up twice to change batteries.
I haven’t thought of that dickhead in years. Far as I know, the long-dead circuitry is still up there.
July 8, 2008 at 10:15 am
You are a God among men, Steamboat. You need to tape your exploits and post them on YouTube for us sometime.
July 8, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Reg - I have two prototype mini video camera modules and associated circuitry in my workshop now. I was trying to assemble them small enough to fit nicely into a cane, but haven’t managed it (neatly) yet. But I believe it’s do-able. Flash memory is getting smaller and better, and I have a lead on a cost-effective mini auto-focus assembly from Korea. I will get there.
But - the effort is on hold for at least 2 months while I relocate, build a garage/shop, and unpack. Could be longer. All that stuff is buried deep in a cardbord box - along with fifty more - in the empty torn-down workroom.
but by God I am going to get my exploits on video yet!
Reason: Simple.
(1) I work too damned hard keeping a straight face when “in character” when I’m fucking with Goths: I can’t fully enjoy the moment right then. The only way I can truly enjoy it to the fullest is to view it afterwards.
(2) Pure ego. I worked too hard perfecting my style and apparatus and techniques to waste them on the moment for me alone. I want a record of my achievements! And I want others laughing as hard as I have laughed (afterwards - alone. Always alone. Except the Waitress Who Knows laughed a lot.)
So I’m gonna get a workable video/audio recording mechanism if it kills me. I suspect I also really need an assistant, but I selfishly want to share the effort with no one right now. It’s MINE!
July 9, 2008 at 12:13 am
Ahh, McGoo my best feed ever, thank heaven for the internet. The Troofers. Solid state detonation in thermites.
It went far… phase 2. It’s like a super-saturated solution it just needs a seed crystal.
Wait for it, the Iodine Pentoxide+Aluminum is the new thing.
July 11, 2008 at 9:29 am
One serial digital TX, one microprocesser to loop the signal, one circ board, and a battery.
Deposit said system near compound to turn on when thy’re “on.” Digital static is not random, thus visions of black helicopters was in their air.
Lights, Shouts, Muy Action.
Drinks were served on the observation deck.
I understand just enough of that (I’m a techno ‘tard) to find that hilarious. Feed their paranoia and watch, or listen, as the case may be, it bloom.